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Take a wild guess where this wacky and hard to believe story took place.   No, not in Narnia!  How about Kwara State, Nigeria.  The alleged suspect is said to be in the above photo.  Look at him.  Is that the face of a criminal.  The suspect remains in police custody. No word on whether an attorney was secured for his defense.  Hottest Mess will issue updates if there are any changes in the suspects shape.

Supposedly Respectable Source

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Why are camels wondering in the streets of Mexico?  No this is not evidence that a synister terrorist network is exploiting our weak border protection to gain access to our country in order to attack us because we love freedom so much.  They escaped from some business man’s warehouse in search of freedom.  And were wondering the streets of Ciudad Juarez until they were lassoed and tied to a tree by police officers.  The owner showed up to claim them and lured them into a truck with some juicy green leaves at the end of a branch.

This is just the latest incident of freedom loving wild exotic animals roaming the streets of Mexico.  In the past four months four tigers, a 500 lb lion, and an elephant escaped captivity and was found trying live it up wild in Mexico towns.

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ONTARIO – A mother from Ontario was charged with violating traffic laws after she asked her 9-year-old daughter to drive her home. The police found the car going very slowly along some back roads and pulled her over when they noticed how small the driver was.  Believe it or not, this hot mess happens a lot in today’s world.

Jersey City, New Jersey – Councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for simple assault after allegedly urinating on audience members while standing on the second-floor balcony at Washington’s Nightclub 9:30.  But Lipski, 44, claims he merely spilled a drink on the tie-dye-clad stoners who assembled, in tribute to The Greatful Dead, to watch the band Dark Star Orchestra.  Lipski was hauled out of the club about 9:50 p.m. after staffers spotted him in the act  and called the cops.   Later he told a reporter he began “crying” and “hyperventilating” after D.C cops hauled him off to jail Friday night.  Still to this day, this guy remains in office.

MILLBROOK, NY – Victor C. Sauerhafer Jr. has been charged with driving while intoxicated twice in the same day in upstate New York. The first arrest occurred after the man drove to state police headquarters in Millbrook, with a blood alcohol content of .17 percent,  to ask for directions.  Troopers then sent the man to sleep it off at a hotel.  Instead of complying, the hard-headed boozer made a cab stop at an ATM to get money for the fare, then he ran back to the parking lot and took his SUV only to be pulled over again in the town of Stanford. This time his blood-alcohol level was .14 percent.

GAITHERSBURG, MD – Bob Breiner walked upstairs to the master bedroom and flipped on a lamp. Less than two feet away: a man he’d never seen, wrapped in blankets, sound asleep. On the floor were shoes, socks and pants. Earlier, the man had apparently helped himself to a crab cake from the refrigerator.   The Breiners rushed out of there house and called police.  “What  the hell you doing in my house”, is what sources say the stranger said when he was awaken by police officers after a night of drinking.  He had missed his house by eight miles, apparently getting off at the wrong bus stop on his way home to Damascus. Gingerly, he made his way down the Breiners’ stairs, holding the banister in one hand and his shoes and socks in the other.  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” the Breiners recalled him saying. “By the way, you have a very comfortable bed.” What a Hot Mess.

FAIRBANKS, Alaska – A motorist confronted by a state trooper said he was stunned when the officer told him the car had been stolen.  Charles J. Schultz explained that he was driving his Chevy Cavalier and everything was fine. That’s when the trooper informed Schultz that he was actually behind the wheel of a Ford Escort.  Police said the 27-year-old’s blood-alcohol content was .166, more than twice the legal limit.  Police received a report shortly after midnight Friday that a Ford Escort had been stolen from the parking lot of a gentlemen’s club.  An officer spotted the stolen Ford two hours later – with Schultz driving.  Schultz swore he had no memory of taking the wrong vehicle outside the club, according to a criminal complaint.   Just Another Hot Mess.

Henry Earl is a man well known inside the Fayette County Detention Center and well beyond the walls. He’s an internet sensation for being arrested over 1300 times.  If you’re wondering what thirteen hundred arrests on alcohol related charges equals, here’s a look at Henry Earl The Hottest Mess arrest stats.

• Number of Lifetime Offenses ————————-1333
• Number of Lifetime Days Spent in Jail since 1992 ——–4123
• 2008 Year to date offenses —————————-35
• 2008 Days spent in jail ——————————-189
• Average Days per year spent in jail since 1992 ——– 242.47
• Average duration of incarceration since 1992 ——-4.13 days
• Average duration of freedom since 1992 ———–1.95 days

SHEBOYGAN, Wisconsin – A 35-year-old man faces charges after allegedly driving drunk and then urinating in the back of a squad car and on the arresting officer. A criminal complaint said the man was pulled over early Wednesday after an officer saw him driving erratically and striking a pole at a gas station.  The complaint said the man failed field sobriety tests and when he was being taken to the police station, urinated in the back of the squad car and sprayed the officer, hitting him in the back of the head.  The man is facing four felony charges and two misdemeanors. He faces a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.    SMH continuously.

Fort Myers, FL – Authorities say a Fort Myers man shot himself in the arm after his girlfriend refused to have sex with him. The Lee County Sheriff’s Office reported that a 29-year-old man and his girlfriend returned home from a bar early Wednesday morning.The girlfriend told deputies that her boyfriend who was drunk and high on Xanax wanted to get intimate, but she just wanted to go to sleep. When she refused his advances, he became irate. Authorities said the girlfriend went to a spare bedroom, and several minutes later she heard two gunshots. She told deputies her boyfriend came into her room and threatened her if she called the police.  He then stumbled into the kitchen before falling into the oven, knocking himself unconscious. The man was treated for two gunshot wounds to the arm and was taken to jail.  Nothing to say; just look at him.

Clinton, Tennessee – A 53-year-old Tennessee man was arrested after allegedly entering a Clinton Township home improvement store after a night of drinking, and then thinking the business was his home, police said.  The suspect, Wayne Kirkhuff, called 911 around 7 a.m. Thursday to report he had broken into the Rutland Home Center on Route 31, according to authorities. Police said, Kirkhuff felt cold and broke into a shed, where he tried to start a fire to stay warm.  After soiling his pants, Kirkhuff allegedly broke into the business to get a change of clothes. Police reported Kirkhuff used a brick to break a window and gain access to the building.”At some point,” Melsky wrote in the release, “Mr. Kirkhuff believed  that he was in his personal residence. Upon later realizing that he was in a business, and not his home, Mr. Kirkhuff decided to call police.”Police charged Kirkhuff with theft and criminal mischief, in addition to burglary. He was released on his own recognizance.  At least “That One” new he was a enough of a mess to call the police on himself.

Eastern Cape, South Africa – A suspected museum thief who was impaled by a sharp spike on the top of a security fence in his rectum for two hours earlier this month.  The piece of sh@t on a stick claims he did not feel any pain because he was drunk.  Siyanda Pasiwe, 32, denied trying to break into the museum, but claimed he had been in the museum grounds to sleep off a drinking session.  When he fell on the fence he did not feel the spike piercing his bottom and thought the fence had an electric force that was holding him to it .  Fire and rescue workers used an angle grinder to cut the steel spike off the fence. Medical staff at the hospital, where the spike was removed, said Pasiwe had suffered severe rectal and intestinal injuries .  The man is still undergoing medical check-ups at the hospital.  Pasiwind I mean Pasiwe is just the Hottest Drunk Mess on this List.

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